A Day in the Life

General Disclaimer:

Just want to start by saying that I will probably often make some characterizations of 21st century American Christians living in the land of the mega-church. I am firmly convinced, and believe it would prove out if tested, that the overwhelming majority of those who profess the name of Jesus Christ in this country would have no idea where their Bibles came from, the difference between Arminianism and Calvinism, couldn't decipher the difference between a post-tribulation and some supralapsarianism if their lives depended on it (actually, thanks to the loony Left Behind series, they could probably talk coherently about the former), and could probably only name half the books of the Bible anyway. To me, this is the real tragedy...teeming masses of people too scared or too lazy to think a little deeper about something they would argue is the most important topic one could think of in this world. So my comments and characterizations are mostly leveled there. I do not mean to offend anyone, though doubtful, many will be anyway.

So I've been needing a haircut for about a week now. I hate haircut time. Haircut time is like waiting for your Dad to come home from work to discipline you when you are six...you have no idea what to prepare for or how bad it will be this time, but you know it's probably going to suck.

Besides not knowing what you're going to walk out with this time, you also have to go through the hassle of scheduling a time to go (if you go to a hairdresser like me). And hairdressers are like doctors...they are NEVER on time.

Okay, so rant aside, I decided a couple of days ago to forgo my usual brutal trip to my hairdresser in favor of hitting the local barbershop. It is the same barbershop that I went to for a while several years ago and is much cheaper and faster than a hairdresser.

So I'm driving back from the chiropractor's office and I remember I need a haircut as I pass the barbershop. I whip in the parking lot and saunter into the shop. The guy who runs the place is who used to cut my hair but out of all four barbers, he's the only one with a current customer. The other three are just sitting in their chairs. I sit down and take out my cellphone. Then I hear, "you waiting for anyone in particular?" This tall guy with black hair and a spiderweb tattoo on his elbow is asking me. I say no and go to his chair. We aren't talking five minutes before he starts talking about having gone to Bible college and teaching the Bible overseas as a Marine Corps chaplain. Last thing I would have guessed for this guy. I figured a fellow atheist or at least an agnostic, possibly into some crazy new age shit...but not a real washed-in-the-blood biblical innerrantist. Guess that's what I get for stereotyping the guy.

So by now you can probably guess where this might be going. He asks me and I answer. Longest haircut of my life...but a damn interesting experience nonetheless. What I thought was wicked ironic was that having grown up Arminian and Pentecostal only to be converted to Mr. Calvin and the pure Southern Baptist way, here was this guy now informing me that it was in fact my seminary experience coupled with said Baptist brainwashing that had led to the root of my current confusion. Ohhhhhh! Shit! Now it makes complete and utter sense. I should have never left the belief taught to me by the Church of God and my family, that if you live, eat, and breathe God for 50 years only to sin right before you should happen to fall off a ladder and break your silly neck....then despite your 50 years of obedience, you are in fact going to be tortured in the fires of hell forever. If only I had known before I started doing weird things like thinking for myself!

What I loved was that there was no doubt in my mind that this guy was very, very concerned about my present situation and the inevitable consequence should I not "come home." He appeared to be genuinely interested and concerned...possibly caring too?

The haircut ended with him saying to me how I had made him wish that he knew more about his faith and the questions I was asking. I told him that if I can help someone at least learn what they believe, that's half the battle in my book... and thought "just a step away from some potential critical thought...damn, who knows where that might lead."

But I stepped out into the fresh clean air outside, drew a cleansing breath as I boldly looked at the world around me, smiled, made a positive confession bearing witness to the reality of the world around me, and headed for the car.


Later that evening, my family went to PetSmart to look at kittens (don't ask) and buy some crickets to feed my tarantulas who have been fairly neglected lately. So I go back to the cricket section and wait for some help. I notice that an employee is bent down by a far tank just staring inside. I shuffle my feet, move a few steps, cough, and then finally go all the way down the aisle by her. Still another minute before she can be pulled away from the fiddler crab that has mystified her. As we walk back to the cricket keeper, I say, "Hey. Aren't you the girl that is the black sheep of her family, studying French, and determined to live an interesting life?" She said, "Yes. And you're the guy with the forty something tarantulas."

Everyone who works the cricket keeper in PetSmart knows me and my forty something tarantulas. Most of them know even more about me, and I them, thanks to the sometimes tediously long process of obtaining the crickets with nothing to do but either stand in awkward silence as you watch them try to wrangle crickets, or be a human being and talk.

So she asks me what I've been up to. I stopped, thought, and said "Losing my religion." She said "Wow...well I'm an atheist." This led to another 10-15 minute discussion about what it's like to grow up in the faith and try to leave it. After the longest cricket buying process I have ever experienced, I walked away saying "We should start our own church."

She laughed and I walked away with a smile on my face as it hit me how different I am than at any other time in my life. While my faith is gone and my reason ruling, they still are not the biggest changes....the biggest change has come in my personality and presence with people, especially my immediate family and friends. I am so much less stressed and so much more contented than at any other time I can recall. I start each day with a clarity and appreciation of the day that lies before me...just waiting to be shook and unwrapped. Instead of an inner anxiety and constant monitoring of my environment, always sizing up people and things in a maddening attempt to be prepared for each and every situation in a perfect way, I am simply being present in the present moment. The beauty of it is that I wasn't looking for this or expecting it...it just snuck up on me. Instead of rushing through my days, always regretting what was behind me and pathologically attempting to shape my future by the power of thought, I find myself taking the time to talk to barbers and pet store employees with a genuine interest in the exchange and learning new things each day.

The Latest

This is a message I recently sent to a good friend as I was trying to describe what has been happening to me spiritually in the last few years. This is a very brief version which I intend on filling out as I go along with this blog. I look forward to, and welcome, any questions or dialogue on the topic as I continue to read, study, learn and grow.

Questioning my faith is something I have always done...sometimes ad nauseum. It used to be almost cyclical for me when I took breaks from school. But something really happened during my last year at seminary. I've always been told (and have told others) that you can have a personal relationship with God. I mean who wouldn't want that right? The problem though is that I started asking myself some hard questions and started shining a brighter light on this "relationship." I found that when I stopped talking, the other voice in the cave was silent after the initial echo of my own voice. And there hasn't been a peep out of it since!

My goal has been to try to get outside of my Christian worldview that was forced upon me. No one ever encouraged me to think critically about my faith or pursue other avenues of faith when I was growing up. Instead, they put me in a box from a young age and secured the box with eternal damnation should I ever have a mind to venture out.

Now that I have dared to read writings outside of the faith, writings which call into question the things I've held so dear for so long, the whole thing has come down like a house of cards in a very short period of time. I've learned things I never knew about the Bible and Christianity...things I was too scared of to entertain before.

I always thought my life would be meaningless and without purpose if I didn't have my faith in God. Quite the contrary however; I now value the time I have on this planet that much more because I don't consider this life just "passing through" and I don't have all my eggs in the heavenly basket in the sky. I'm facing reality for what it is and am determined to live the days I have on this planet to their fullest.

About Me...

I'm a middle-aged man that usually looks much younger and acts much younger. However, I really am going through some kind of mid-life, existential crisis. Hopefully this will be a place to express myself and sort things out. If you are going to keep up with this blog and you think you already know me pretty good, you might want to tread lightly...a lot has changed in the past year, and even more over the past 6 months.

I'm Baaaaaaaack!

Hello blog world. I think it has been over a year since I started this, did one blog, then forgot about it. But I'm back, and hopefully with a vengeance. My dear cousin has spurred me on and motivated me, so here I am!